[MR] newbie

[rmhowe]

Eventblues at aol.com wrote:
> 
> I attended my first event in Atlantia not very long ago.  I won't say where
> or when.  I would like to describe my experience and see if you can come to
> some consensus for an answer.
> Saturday, during the event, I could get almost noone to talk to me.

I frequently find saying something outrageous works for me, but then
I am an aging Scadian, and a curmudgeon of sorts, have worked with
rough humored tradesmen and incompetent management. I find blunt honesty
to be generally preferable, and love to start a bit of humorous trouble
whenever I can.  Master Efenwealt is too easy/cheesy, I need fresh meat.
I'm also next to impossible to ignore, assuming that I let you if I
like you.

> I was dressed appropriately in period garb -- nothing ostentatious but not
> cheap or gawdy looking, -- period cut and fabric (linen and wool cotehardie)
> -- quality sewing skills and am not new to costuming.  I am a reasonably
> attractive female (many people say I am pretty), and in middle age, not over
> or underweight.  No hairlips or missing body parts. 

That's Harelip. I frequently watch the bunnies clip off a dandelion at
the base and watch the seed end 'poof' as it hits the gap.

> I am not in any way physically repulsive.  
> I bathed and wore deodorant, changed my underwear,
> brushed my teeth and wore no perfume. 

You realize of course that this is not period at all.
In fact you probably showed up the Ducal Ranks entirely. :)

> I was not trying to pick up men (I am married), 
> but trying to make friends primarily with other women.

You may have just picked the wrong bunch entirely. Events, like the
hosting canton or shire or barony, differ with each one. People's
attention varies with what is going on. You should try a university
session, like the one coming up in Raleigh October 5th. In crafts
classes you are just about guaranteed interpersonal interaction and
networking with people of similar interests.

Our very large Barony has five cantons and some outlying areas.
Some people go to more than one weekly canton meeting, and
some prefer to attend meetings primarily in other cantons.
We all have preferences.

> However, no matter how many people I tried to make friends with -- people
> just generally ignored me.  I tried to strike up conversations with different
> folks who were not otherwise engaged in an activity.  They would make polite
> conversation for about 1 minute, then leave.  Later, they would look at me as
> if I did not exist.

Most probably they were consumed with inner demons or problems and
trying
to figure out what the hell is going on in their own lives most of the
time.
I don't think it was you personally. 
I promise you the SCA is also full of people who are very shy as well.
Some rarely post anything. Obviously you have that conquered.

> I have good social skills, have a college degree that is not in some aspect
> of medieval life -- so I could have things to talk about.  But, no one would
> give me the chance.

I doubt if they had that in mind at all. Carpe diem.

In all of Atlantia I can think of less than a handful of people I
would place in the real Royal Jerk category and I've been around a
while. 

> No one ever invited me to sit with their group of friends for a minute.  No
> one ever approached me unless I approached them. 

Try saying "I'm new, and could you help me out?"

Should you approach the wife and I with an open space at the table
you are most welcome to join us. Other newbies have. I'm kind of
hard to miss, 305, 6'3", 50, glasses, very long graying hair and 
beard, usually seen in or dragging about a green office chair (I
have chronic pain syndrome, this one hurts a lot less than others).
There should also be a short person in tow, Ct. B. Anne de Silva,
scurrying about trying to get our own mess sorted out. 5' short,
often in green dress. Dark Horde yin-yang style red and black
badges on both of us. We usually arrive mid afternoon at most
fighting events. Anne has a very sweet personality as long as
you don't snag the same cookie she was intent on nabbing herself.
 
My hearing in group noise situations leaves a lot to be desired.
I have low tone hearing loss from years of operating loud machinery
and equipment. If I can understand you I will talk to you. Normally
I have trouble hearing the other end of the table. And the more
people in a hall, the louder they talk to try to be heard over
the others.

> I even offered to help people out with some of the work.

Ask for the autocrat. Surely s/he knows where you might best be
employed. I have rarely seen an autocrat who doesn't have work for
someone to do. In fact they are frequently desperate. Head cooks
and kitchen staff are somewhat similar if their pre-cooking is
not all done.

> Many people would not even make eye contact with me during the day.
> And, I noticed that I was not the only one at the event in that "no man's
> land".  Many other people were likewise ostracized.  By about 3:00, I just
> gave up and sat in a corner and watched what was going on.
> The people at my feast table were nice (they were newbies, too).

In general, I don't think very many SCAdians are the type to ostracize
other people. In twentyone years in Atlantia I have known a few (maybe
a couple dozen) that are real pains, but most people are generally
helpful and pleasant. One of the reasons I can say this is I am
handicapped
as many other SCAdians are and there are lots of people who help, asked
or unasked when we go to events.  I've been to Pennsic four times and
had complete strangers from other kingdoms go well out of their way to
help
us.

> But when the feast was over, the cliques of folks started again.  I looked
> around for some of the other folks who had been "left out", but they all left
> either before, or as soon as the feast was over.

After feast people tend to network directly based on mutual interests.
Earlier in the day there is usually a tournament or war going on that
elsewise absorbs them, their households, and the only chance they get
is after dinner (or in the shower) to talk much with other friends.
Atlantia is a very big place and in order for them to speak directly
with each other (as opposed to email, or the cost of long distance)
is that time after dinner. I enjoy it myself. This is where you get
the return on your investment in other people elsewise known at a
distance.  It wasn't ignoring you so much as the general populace's
indulging their opportunities to network with each other.  

> Now I realize that folks like to visit with their friends, but does mean
> excluding people who could add to your list of friends? 

There is a tendency to eat with close friends or other household, shire,
or barony members. It simply means those people feel more accepted in
those groups.  This can be a bit annoying when you'd like to join in
a table that is already full with someone that interests you, but after
feast you can pull up a chair or vice/versa assuming the dance demons
don't beset you because you're occupying their coveted stomping grounds
at that particular moment. Dancers can be a bit insistant.

> Does no one have a heart when someone is obviously new or in 
> unfamiliar surroundings?  I admit that I am a little shy, but I have
> a good sense of humor and have a lot to contribute.  But no one 
> bothered to find out. Not sure I will ever go to another event.
> Any suggestions?

Not giving up too soon would help. Taking some craft or item to
work on at events is likely to induce curiosity. Complimenting
someone on their garb or accessories and asking how that was done
would give you an opportunity to introduce yourself. Ask for 
references and about groups doing that particular art if it 
interests you. Inquire about attending some classes/guild
meetings which are frequently held at different people's houses.
In Windmasters' Hill you could fill up just about every day of
the week with meetings, practices, workshops, guilds and events.
Generally the only time they stop is the Xmas and Thanksgiving
holidays and for the Pennsic War.

Almost every SCAdian comes to the SCA for different reasons.
Some only enjoy fighting. Some enjoy the Arts and Crafts like I
do. Others love performing arts. And a crazy few try to keep
the mess running at great personal sacrifice. Each of us may
totally ignore certain other aspects.  I tend not to attend
courts after a hundred of them went by and if they are not
held in the hall am not going to stand there and make the
symptoms worse.  I have probably only watched one entire 
tournament to it's repetitively conclusive end. In that
particular crown tourney some poor gentle had to take a killing
shot five times in the head before the marshall declared it
good. It was a long time ago, in fact my first event.

On the other hand I would term myself a resource person, a 
material culturist, and since I research and write frequent
articles and bibliographies on a variety of medieval subjects find
myself followed about or approached after dinner by people with 
notebooks and questions who know me from the nets. It generally works
better information wise to ask me something when I have the resources
about me though. When I am tired I suffer from C.R.S./Fibrofog/
what polite people call Senior Moments.

As I have short term memory loss/word/image association problems
caused by the handicap I'm not always at my sharpest - particularly
when I've been talking for a while. The old bean's a bit eschemic.
Once in a while I have trouble remembering where the conversation
was or have trouble speaking.

Offer to help serve at feast, as a great many new folks do and learn
the names of the other servers and the kitchen crew. Most events
are short of servers first of the meal.

Mentioning directly that you are new might help. Everyone here
remembers when they were new.  The average SCAdians are pretty
nice folks when they are not self-absorbed with their own current
problems.  Most have far too many of their own to make problems
for someone else.  It's kind of like real life. If you take care
of the big problems and obligations the small ones you imagine
are out there after you don't materialize. 

Not helpful SCA? Well in my twentyone years they've helped us a bunch.
The armory/shop got moved three times - 14 people with multiple trucks
the first two times lasting about seven hours, the last time it was
about eighteen and took four and a half hours.  This does not include
the heavy machinery that has been moved into the basement since a
number of times, help after the hurricane and icestorms, etc.
A lot of us depend very much on each other for help.

Not to mention the fact that about half of us marry in the SCA.
My wife got snagged by us at a Raleigh Artsplosure demo.

Just be patient, and keep introducing yourself. Heck, step on a
few toes. That'll absorb them for a few moments.

Magnus Malleus, OL / and (her littlest excellency chipmunk) Anne de
Silva
Raleigh / Elvegast, a canton in the very big Barony of Windmasters Hill.