[MR] Fw: Re: The quiet musings of a "nobody" (slightly long)

[DRYW FREED]

There's only now, there's only here 
Give in to Love, or live in fear 
No other path, no other way 
No Day But Today

--- On Wed, 2/18/09, DRYW FREED <drywdryw at yahoo.com> wrote:

From: DRYW FREED <drywdryw at yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: [MR] The quiet musings of a "nobody" (slightly long)
To: "Sandi Rust" <feo2mouse at yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, February 18, 2009, 12:19 PM







Greetings M’lady, 
  
It sounds like our lives in the SCA have taken somewhat similar paths.  I also started playing in the late 80s, though I’m not sure when I officially joined.  I remember the days of cloven fruits, and some of my friends who enjoyed said fruits so much that they transposed the game into even modern parties.  I have spent some time at the swimming hole and, honestly, been quite pleased with how little ogling or imposition of attention there was. 
  
And, honestly, my personal experience is that the SCA has not changed that much, although my personal preferences have.  In almost all instances, if I prefer not to take a cloven fruit, a simple “no thank you, m’lord” suffices.  If someone gives me attention that makes me uncomfortable, a simple “I’m not comfortable with (name action)” tends to work  every bit as well now as it did then.  If it didn’t, my first course of action would definitely be to tell my Knight or one of my house brothers, who would certainly help make my preferences clear.  Seeking banishment would never be my first solution. 
  
However, in a society that seeks to recreate an ideal of chivalry, I do not feel that I should have to fear for my safety or even comfort.  I am fortunate to have a Knight and house brothers in whose company I would feel secure in the midst of a mob of looters and pillagers.  But should I have to surround myself with these excellent lords in order to walk across an event site or attend an SCA party?    Sure, 99% of the men in the SCA will take a simple “no” for an answer.  But, as in the larger world, some do not.  Some men can be told over and over and over again that their behavior is unacceptable and their attentions unwanted, and yet they continue to repeat the same actions.  Is it right to allow them to continue to play, repeating the admonishments over and over, while the young women made uncomfortable by them drop out to avoid unwanted attention? 
  
You say that actions should not be taken against one gentle due to “hearsay” from “a small group of people without viable proof.”   This is true.  But what, m’lady, are your cutoff points?  How many women may be harassed before the one doing the harassing is…no, not sued, but simply asked to leave?  And how many women must experience the harassment and bravely come forward to report their own experiences (not hearsay) before it’s likely that at least a few of them are telling the truth?  If 50 women came forward and a mere 10% of them were telling the truth, would the five honest women’s right to enjoy the SCA count for as much as the one accused’s right to say he hadn’t done anything wrong?  Would it need to be 100 honest women with 20% honesty? 
  
Yes, every effort should be made to play the game the way we always have—as a society that is equally comfortable flirting outrageously and courteously accepting a simple “please stop.”  And in a society based on the ideals of courtesy and courtly love, it certainly behooves us to give any gentle the benefit of the doubt, a second chance, an opportunity to change.  But in a society based on the ideals of courtesy and courtly love, is it necessary for a sizable group of ladies to provide incovtrovertible proof of legally prosecutable crime before we say to the source of their discomfort “please find something else to do on the weekends?”  Personally, I find a lady’s peace of mind about her own safety a far more valid concern than a lord’s “right” to press his attentions on any lady of his choosing at any time and in any manner he takes the whim to do so. 


Regards,
Baroness Dryw MacMorcat

There's only now, there's only here 
Give in to Love, or live in fear 
No other path, no other way 
No Day But Today

--- On Tue, 2/17/09, Sandi Rust <feo2mouse at yahoo.com> wrote:

From: Sandi Rust <feo2mouse at yahoo.com>
Subject: [MR] The quiet musings of a "nobody" (slightly long)
To: "Merry Rose" <atlantia at atlantia.sca.org>
Date: Tuesday, February 17, 2009, 4:37 PM

Greetings Goode Gentles All,
 
Something has been weighing heavy on my mind and heart as of late. I ask for
your indulgence and patience with me as I sort it through; since, indeed, it may
well effect us all. 
 
I have been in the SCA since around 1988, but didn’t actually become a member
until around a decade ago. I came in at the tail end of the times of the
“Lechers’ Guild” and the “Order of the Golden Orbs”. I remember the
times of cloven fruit and the clothing optional swimming holes and indeed once
being kept in one such place by a young cavalier who held my clothing for
“ransom”. This, by the way, was not at a major War, but at an Atlantian
event. After he left (without my clothes), I told my “matriarch” who went
and talked to the gentle and he meant no harm and he did indeed meant no harm of
it. As he put it – “I saw a young nymph and wished to get to know her
better.”  Nothing more was done. I didn’t see him again and to my
knowledge, haven’t. This was an isolated event and handled quietly to preserve
the dignity of both parties.  There were several “old lechers” that would
do more than “hug” a young lady; but all
 you would have to do is tell them, “I’m not comfortable with (name
action).” By that token, a gentle could say the same to any a maid of matron
who “accosted” him, and he would be given the same respect. No accusations.
No big Hooplas, no banishings. Just people telling other people of their
“limits” – be them a newcomer or a Superduke. I must admit, I do hold some
distain towards though who feel that a hug is an invitation for sex, or a kiss
on the cheek a sign of intimacy. 
 
There are those of both genders that know how far to go in a tease or flirt,
and those that don’t, but a “gentle no” is usually enough. A Solution –
if you can’t take it, don’t dish it. If you don’t want the flirting,
don’t flirt back. If you are not wanting the attentions of a certain gentle,
tell them, if it persists, tell your
“sponsor”/patriarch/lord/lady/matriarch, or better Their lord/lady. Have
them quietly handle this by confronting the gentle in question. The reason why
is, regretfully, some people know just the “right words” to implicate an
innocent (at least of this offense). I know of several (also in the SCA) who
have such a “gift”. What defense does one have against such an accusation
when they are innocent? Usually, the person was brought before the
representatives of the “injured” party and allowed to give their side of the
story. Sadly, such considerations are a thing of the past apparently. What
happened
 to innocent until proven guilty? Where the burden of proof is upon the
accusers to provide the proof of guilt in this instance. To go upon the word of
one or a small group of people without viable proof, smacks of old Salem village
to me. And after guilt or innocence proven, let that person be. In the real
world, to constantly slander a person in a group, online, or when the
representatives do the slander, I’ve always been told that such offenses are
“sueable”. 
People who wear the crown need to be all the more wary of the hearsay, so that
they do not condemn a person unjustly. While one wears the Crown, they have to
“be” the Royals, the examples, the seekers of the Truth. If the offense is
great enough, and proof can be given, calling in the modern authorities only
assists in the evidence of a crime.  
 
Now that there is a precedence, what is to prevent it happening to any of us?
 
The majority of the SCA are good, trusting, giving folk. This trust indeed can
make us “prey”; but must we expect the “boogyman” behind every smile? Do
we become so scared beyond our campfires that we suspect one of misdeeds so that
they must prove their innocence before we let them approach for a cup of water? 
 
Thank you for hearing me out.  It felt good to at least get it off my chest.
 
Lady Marie Hélène of the New Forest
 ("born" in Atlantia)


      
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