[MR] Well, here it is on the table for the cat to sniff....

Thu Feb 19 21:43:34 PST 2009

I'm just going to come out and ask this. It wasn't a private matter, as it was peeled off a porto-castle wall by my tribesmen and brought back to me after Pennsic last year. They were wondering what in the Sam Hill...I assured them I had no clue, either. Evidently, it was pretty public, so I'm just going to ask in public:

Posters of Janos plastered around Pennsic with the word OBEY written under his face. That isn't hearsay, I held one in my hands while scratching my head and squinting through bifocals. We're not the only people that saw that, I'm sure plenty of you here saw it, too. 

So I ask the rest of you....What in the Sam Hill???

Anyways, I've been following the traffic on the MR and I have a few thoughts I'd like to share.This isn't about Janos. This isn't even really so much about the SCA. It's about people in general. 

Sandi, you brought up a good point about letting people know if they've crossed a line. You're absolutely right, because sometimes a man doesn't realize you aren't into what he's doing (I'm going to say "man" when discussing who is the "aggressor" here because it's just simpler that way...a man can also be the person not digging the unwanted attention. But we all know that the vast majority of instances, we're talking about a man getting inappropriate with a woman.)

Telling the guy where he stands only works until it doesn't, if you know what I mean. I find that once you have to tell someone they've crossed a line, 9 out of 10 times, they already know they've crossed it and don't care. I find that most guys, when they cross a line, they cross it big. The guy playing games with you over your clothes at the swimming hole?  Nice. What kind of weirdo plays keep away with a strange woman's clothes? A predator, that's what kind of guy. He knew what he was doing. He later claimed it was a misunderstanding...he was "just playing".  Yeah. Right. I'd be willing to bet that guy ends up "explaining himself" a lot. 

I remember in particular one guy that was "just playing" with me years ago. That guy got jacked up in a dark corridor by some of my household. No names need be mentioned. Steel was involved. My people were "just playing" too. That guy never even looked at me after that. If he had ever touched me again, his best and only hope would have been that the cops got to him before some other folks did. Guy like that, you kind of have to wonder how many other girls he'd tried to cop a feel on, tried to assault in an empty hallway, before he messed with the wrong chick. This guy had gotten the message that his behavior was okay, that he'd get away with being grossly innappropriate. Up to that point, he HAD gotten away with it. He eventually disappeared. I don't know if he left of his own volition or was worked over again by someone less gentle than we were and decided to call it a day as far as the SCA was concerned. Either way, problem solved. 

On three occasions I can think of off the top of my head, a Painted Wheel woman was harrassed or victimized by a creep. In two of those occasions, I didn't find out about it until it was too late for me to do anything about it (which pretty much caused my head to turn into a volcano, as you might imagine.). In the one I DID address, it didn't really help in the long run. The guy was a creep and evidently satisfied to remain so. I didn't enlighten that guy. It's not like he didn't know how out of line he was. And he didn't knock it off after that, he just moved on to easier prey.

A lot of folks, women in particular, and SCA women in PARTICULAR particular, let a lot of stuff go that they really shouldn't. Men are bad about it, sure. They think, "Oh, well, he's a fun guy to drink with" or "he really is a cool guy to spar with" or whatever. But women are the worst, I think. Guy gets innappropriate with a girl, she thinks, "Oh, it's not that big a deal." 

Ladies. Listen to me: if that doesn't matter, NOTHING matters. It's a big deal. TELL SOMEONE.

Consider this: I'm sitting in a feasthall one night, and a young girl who is sitting at our table got kind of...I dunno how to put this...kind of innappropriately manhandled and was feeling pretty uncomfortable about it.  I'd actually seen the whole thing, she sat there and put up with it, then complained about it after the fact after the guy had left. I said, "why didn't you say something?" and she said (and I paraphrase) "Well, I'm new here, and that guy has lots of friends, obviously, and he's a big shot, and I just don't want to make waves."

Now think about that a bit. Folks, this happens. This happens in the SCA, and it happens out of the SCA. Guys, yes, I know, a girl needs to communicate clearly if she's not digging what you're doing. I realize that. Please be mindful of what you are doing and how you might be coming across. Please be mindful that the girl may be INTIMIDATED into silence by you. If you are the sort of guy that likes that, we need you gone. Ladies, please, stand up for yourselves. It matters. YOU matter. Don't sit there and pretend it's okay when it ain't okay.

Well, I've rambled on enough here. I hope no offense was taken. Merely offering food for thought.

Dulcy

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