[MR] Re: gossip and how to kill it....

[david wendelken]

It is truly astounding how much ill will and hurt feelings would be totally avoided if people would just follow these few simple rules:

1) Assume a good intent on the part of those who took the action that offended you, whether you heard about it 1st, 2nd or 3rd hand.  That means, assume they meant well and things just didn't turn out the way they intended, those who passed on the information misunderstood it, or that you have misunderstood it.

Example: You just heard that His Majesty had just demanded that everyone show up with $50 worth of food and drink at Pennsics and give it to him or you'll get in trouble.  

2) If you have access to the original, written message that concerns you (instead of just having heard about it), re-read it carefully.  If you can remember their **exact** words, re-call them, plus the body language and inflection used when they were delivered. Try to figure out if there is another way it could be interpreted, one that doesn't sound so awful.  Here are some examples of how a single sentence can have two totally opposite meanings.  They are what one might be told when checking someone's references on their resume:

"You would be lucky to get this person to work for you."

"I can assure you that no one would be better for this job."

"I most heartily recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

This step might end the issue right away, as you realize that you misinterpreted what the person said or wrote!  If not, proceed to step 3!

3) Contact the person directly and courteously ask them to explain, in their own words, what they did and what they were trying to achieve by it.  The message that you should convey with this polite contact is that you trust they are acting in good faith, but you heard about something that concerned you and that you are trying to establish the facts, not assign blame.

Example:  "Your Majesty, I just heard about your request for food and drink to be given to you at Pennsic.  Is it true that you want people to bring $50 worth of food and drink each and give it to you?  And that you demanded that we do it, or else?  Would you be kind enough to let me know for sure what is going on?"

4) When you contact them, make your concerns clear in a concise, but friendly way.  Assume that they are not aware of the bad ramifications of the actions that you heard about, and would readily and heartily fix the problem as best they can.  You might choose to do so in the first contact, when asking for clarification about what you heard, or after you get back a clarification from them.  

Example, "The reason I want to know is because if that's true, I am a bit upset.  I can just barely afford to go to Pennsic as it is.  If I have to contribute $50 worth of groceries, I may not be able to afford it.  In addition, I'm getting a ride in someone else's car and won't have transportation of my own once I get there.  There's no room in the car for me to take the groceries with me from home.  And, I have to add, that it seems a bit unfair to just tax us like this - as I understand Kingdom and SCA Law, the Crown has no authority to do so.  I am sure that You would not want to put an undue hardship upon Your poorer warriors who have scraped funds together all year to support You in this war.  Thanks in advance for answering my concerns."

5) If lives and/or fortunes are not at risk, keep your mouth shut about it until you hear back from the person, or a reasonable amount of time has passed.  "Reasonable" virtually never includes less than a day, and rarely less than two weeks, to allow for vacations and killer work schedules.  

6) Once you get a response, listen or read carefully.  Assume good intent as you do so.  Your concerns will almost always turn out to be groundless and due to simple miscommunication errors.  True malice is an extremely unlikely motivation.

Anyone who had bothered to do so in the example that prompted this message would doubtlessly have been told something like the following:

"Thank you for answering Our call to arms for the Pennsic War.  We appreciate your good service and look forward to fighting at your side in the war."

"You have been misinformed.  I have not required any person to give any food or drink to me at Pennsic.  I asked each Barony to contribute about $25 worth of bottled water, if they chose to do so.  I explicitly informed the Baronage that this was not a requirement, but it would be a very gracious and courteous thing for Atlantia and its Baronage to do."

In addition, one of these three statements might have been added:

"I am arranging for food to be provided at my own expense."

or:

"I am arranging for food to be provided out of the discretionary funds alloted to the Sovereign for entertaining guests of the Crown."

or: 

"I am arranging for food to be provided, partially at my own expense, and partly out of the discretionary funds alloted to the Sovereign for entertaining guests of the Crown."


7) If the concerns turn out to be groundless or due to miscommunication, go back to the person who told you about the problem if you got it 2nd or 3rd hand.  Tell them how disappointed you are in them that they passed on unreliable information.  Let them know that you think better of them than that, and that you hope they won't let you and others down by doing so in the future.  Teach them how you courteously and quickly got to the truth of the matter so that your friend learns something positive from their mis-step.

Hope this proves useful to some of you!

Andras