[MR] a point and how to kill it....

[logan]

well i guess you cant actually get jet lag driving from west palm beach to
jacksonville only to get stuck waiting for weather for a few hours and
flying into charlotte.  so there goes that idea.

when i sent the response below, 2.5 hours ago, i intended it to go to sir
andras as an example of the probable cause of this gossip and was going to
finish it with a humorous ending.  i was (am) very tired and deleted most of
it during a second read.  as i started to re-write said ending i once again
changed my mind.  instead of deleting the entire response i hit send.  

sooooooo..... i sent an incomplete private response publicly that ultimately
made little sense in context that distracted from a well intended and well
presented point from andras.

im going to crawl back in bed now.  sorry for the interruption.  8^(

logan 

-----Original Message-----
From: atlantia-bounces at atlantia.sca.org
[mailto:atlantia-bounces at atlantia.sca.org] On Behalf Of logan
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 1:26 AM
To: 'david wendelken'; atlantia at atlantia.sca.org
Subject: RE: [MR] Re: gossip and how to kill it....


oh you missed one.

(7) if you hate someone for no real reason and you get all giddy over
dragging their name through the mud and it makes you feel proud to spread
rumor and innuendo about them just go right ahead and do it.  usually they
will not hear about it and you will influence a few simple minded folks who,
in turn, will be your buddy.  just make sure that you do not speak directly
to the person you have targeted for the past decade as that would only prove
you a boob.

well, it is another option.  i never suggested it was a mature one.

regards
logan

-----Original Message-----
From: atlantia-bounces at atlantia.sca.org
[mailto:atlantia-bounces at atlantia.sca.org] On Behalf Of david wendelken
Sent: Wednesday, July 30, 2003 6:09 PM
To: atlantia at atlantia.sca.org
Subject: [MR] Re: gossip and how to kill it....


It is truly astounding how much ill will and hurt feelings would be totally
avoided if people would just follow these few simple rules:

1) Assume a good intent on the part of those who took the action that
offended you, whether you heard about it 1st, 2nd or 3rd hand.  That means,
assume they meant well and things just didn't turn out the way they
intended, those who passed on the information misunderstood it, or that you
have misunderstood it.

Example: You just heard that His Majesty had just demanded that everyone
show up with $50 worth of food and drink at Pennsics and give it to him or
you'll get in trouble.  

2) If you have access to the original, written message that concerns you
(instead of just having heard about it), re-read it carefully.  If you can
remember their **exact** words, re-call them, plus the body language and
inflection used when they were delivered. Try to figure out if there is
another way it could be interpreted, one that doesn't sound so awful.  Here
are some examples of how a single sentence can have two totally opposite
meanings.  They are what one might be told when checking someone's
references on their resume:

"You would be lucky to get this person to work for you."

"I can assure you that no one would be better for this job."

"I most heartily recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

This step might end the issue right away, as you realize that you
misinterpreted what the person said or wrote!  If not, proceed to step 3!

3) Contact the person directly and courteously ask them to explain, in their
own words, what they did and what they were trying to achieve by it.  The
message that you should convey with this polite contact is that you trust
they are acting in good faith, but you heard about something that concerned
you and that you are trying to establish the facts, not assign blame.

Example:  "Your Majesty, I just heard about your request for food and drink
to be given to you at Pennsic.  Is it true that you want people to bring $50
worth of food and drink each and give it to you?  And that you demanded that
we do it, or else?  Would you be kind enough to let me know for sure what is
going on?"

4) When you contact them, make your concerns clear in a concise, but
friendly way.  Assume that they are not aware of the bad ramifications of
the actions that you heard about, and would readily and heartily fix the
problem as best they can.  You might choose to do so in the first contact,
when asking for clarification about what you heard, or after you get back a
clarification from them.  

Example, "The reason I want to know is because if that's true, I am a bit
upset.  I can just barely afford to go to Pennsic as it is.  If I have to
contribute $50 worth of groceries, I may not be able to afford it.  In
addition, I'm getting a ride in someone else's car and won't have
transportation of my own once I get there.  There's no room in the car for
me to take the groceries with me from home.  And, I have to add, that it
seems a bit unfair to just tax us like this - as I understand Kingdom and
SCA Law, the Crown has no authority to do so.  I am sure that You would not
want to put an undue hardship upon Your poorer warriors who have scraped
funds together all year to support You in this war.  Thanks in advance for
answering my concerns."

5) If lives and/or fortunes are not at risk, keep your mouth shut about it
until you hear back from the person, or a reasonable amount of time has
passed.  "Reasonable" virtually never includes less than a day, and rarely
less than two weeks, to allow for vacations and killer work schedules.  

6) Once you get a response, listen or read carefully.  Assume good intent as
you do so.  Your concerns will almost always turn out to be groundless and
due to simple miscommunication errors.  True malice is an extremely unlikely
motivation.

Anyone who had bothered to do so in the example that prompted this message
would doubtlessly have been told something like the following:

"Thank you for answering Our call to arms for the Pennsic War.  We
appreciate your good service and look forward to fighting at your side in
the war."

"You have been misinformed.  I have not required any person to give any food
or drink to me at Pennsic.  I asked each Barony to contribute about $25
worth of bottled water, if they chose to do so.  I explicitly informed the
Baronage that this was not a requirement, but it would be a very gracious
and courteous thing for Atlantia and its Baronage to do."

In addition, one of these three statements might have been added:

"I am arranging for food to be provided at my own expense."

or:

"I am arranging for food to be provided out of the discretionary funds
alloted to the Sovereign for entertaining guests of the Crown."

or: 

"I am arranging for food to be provided, partially at my own expense, and
partly out of the discretionary funds alloted to the Sovereign for
entertaining guests of the Crown."


7) If the concerns turn out to be groundless or due to miscommunication, go
back to the person who told you about the problem if you got it 2nd or 3rd
hand.  Tell them how disappointed you are in them that they passed on
unreliable information.  Let them know that you think better of them than
that, and that you hope they won't let you and others down by doing so in
the future.  Teach them how you courteously and quickly got to the truth of
the matter so that your friend learns something positive from their
mis-step.

Hope this proves useful to some of you!

Andras




========================================================================
                   The Merry Rose Tavern at Cheapside
    List Info: http://merryrose.atlantia.sca.org/
  Submissions: Atlantia at atlantia.sca.org
Subscriptions: http://seahorse.atlantia.sca.org/mailman/listinfo/atlantia


========================================================================
                   The Merry Rose Tavern at Cheapside
    List Info: http://merryrose.atlantia.sca.org/
  Submissions: Atlantia at atlantia.sca.org
Subscriptions: http://seahorse.atlantia.sca.org/mailman/listinfo/atlantia