[MR] Now for something completely different

[KMoAS... and staff]

Hello Atlantia!

This is a special announcement from you friendly
neighborhood KMoAS: Atlantia isn't funny enough.

No, wait, let me explain! There is a joke society A&S
report. This year's absolutely made me howl with
laughter...until I got to Atlantia's paragraph. Which
was...boring. 

"Atlantia: Since the return to Atlantis, there have
been more advances in the field of alchemy: Atlantia
is the first Kingdom to have a working Philosopher's
Stone! The Kingdom issued a press release announcing
that their site fee policy has changed, and that their
Majesties will be attending … everything. "

But compare our paragraph to these gems:

"Aethelmearc:
Master Cariadoc of the Bow has been arrested by the
CIA for holding too much information. CIA agent [name
withheld] said, “Mr. Cariadoc knows far too much to be
human. We suspect he is a robot sent here from Osama
Bin Laden to gather information to destroy the western
world as we know it. We have detained him and will
begin dissecting him this afternoon for further
study.” Laurels' rights groups have been outside CIA
headquarters protesting this, but the CIA's claim that
Cariadoc is really an advanced robot makes it invalid
under US law to extend rights to him. They say that
initial x-rays do not show metal or any non-period
computerized materials, but they still insist that
they will have to dissect him to find out for sure. 

Ansteorra:
In order to comply with the Bilingual Education
Amendment, all reports from Ansteorra will be required
to be in both Old English and Medireview Spanish,
complete with Castilian lithp. Note the new spelling
of Anthteorra. 

Artemisia:
The Kingdom has decided that it will have Arts &
Sciences events in other Kingdoms to increase the
chances of receiving any bids on the events. They have
decided to further divide the office into 15 equal
parts: one for each of the seven sins, the seven
virtues, and one to be the finder of people to host
the A&S events. A&S entries will require a color code
on the documentation: red means “I only want to hear
how wonderful I am ¯ no critique.” 

Caid:
The Caidan team for the television show “Junkyard
Wars” on The Learning Channel took home the trophy
with their winning entry. The competition was to make
a catapult in 10 hours with junk found on site. The
Caidan trio not only completed their project on time,
they made two additional trebuchets and a mangonel,
all out of period materials, complete with
documentation. Athough The Learning Channel executives
were confused, The History Channel has signed Caid to
a 12 part series. 

Calontir:
With much sorrow I'm forced to report that due to a
tragic misunderstanding, the Crown suspended all A&S
competitions in Calontir. Apparently, there has been a
large influx of new players in the region during the
last quarter, many of them becoming artisans. Normally
this would be a good thing, until one event held a
“Falcon-in-any-medium” competition. As I understand
it, one of the newest cooks didn't quite comprehend
the significance of the Falcon, causing quite an
uproar. I think that once the Queen is back from the
hospital and the Fyrdmen stop attacking cooks on site,
things will return back to normal. On a positive note,
I'm hoping the cook will recover from his injuries
soon and rejoin us, as the pie was actually quite
tasty. 

Drachenwald:
Drachenwald's A&S competitions have fallen into
disarray, due to pressure to increase the authenticity
of the entries. Having so many artifacts around for
comparison purposes, the entries are being judged as
substandard. One particularly zealous judge was seen
scrutinizing artifacts from the local museum. While
the artifacts were scored high in craftsmanship and
design, they lost a lot of marks for lack of
documentation. There were also complaints about the
damage/filthiness of the artifacts. “You would think
people could take a little pride in their work and
avoid burying their work in the ground.” 

East:
Dame Martha Stewart released her Laurels' Planning
Calendar for AS XXXVI. Suggested activities for the
new year include: Drain city reservoir; refill with
mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks;
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum; Get new
eyeglasses; grind lenses myself; Using candlewick and
hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o'-nine-tails ¯ flog gardener; and repaint Sistine
Chapel ceiling in ecru with espresso trim. "


I hate being boring. So I turn to you, fair citizens,
and ask you provide me with something Meaningful that
can be appended to next year's report. If your
paragraph can make me spit coffee on the computer
screen, you win the prize! What prize? I dunno, you
tell me.

KR (who wants someone to turn over that philosopher's
stone, pronto!)


=====
The Atlantian Ministry of Arts & Sciences
NOTE: Kateryn, Neil and Derdriu all have access to this account, so please check the signature line before blaming all of us! :-)

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