[MR] A Call to Sanity and Reason

[Malone, N.]

Unto all the peoples of the lands does the wise and benevolent AshaHito
send best wishes and prayers for good fortune on this finest of May
Days.

	Legend holds that May Day in your lands is a time the fair folk return
to the realm of common mortals. So far, all I have seen is a viking
dwarf once called Balynar who WAS a reasonable warrior if a bit simple.
Now of course he styles himself as Magnum of Bald Thor's son" or some
such thing. There are indeed common rumors that he poses as "Baron for
Life", and either Demi-god or patron saint of Caer Mear. Even as late as
yesterday he was heard to attempt to steal a mythical horse and enslave
the women of Valhalla to help pay for mercenaries that are all better
men than himself. Obviously his fear and desperation have effected what
little reason and sanity he once had. Possible he stands under the full
moon too long.
	To Balynar; I say; You have my deepest sympathies. the weight of doom
about you would try even my reason. Let it be known to all that I will
stand no slander against what once was a more than incompetent man. I
refuse to listen to lips that tell of his parents being gnomes and
sheep, All know very well that he was borne of his father by his uncles
wool mitten. That being the Long and Short (no offense Balynar) of it
enough said on that. On to real business of real men.
	To Sir Ramses the RG, I have heard the preposterous rantings that have
been offered you and your men, In there place I offer: a 3/4 oz gold
British Roman coin to the Leader who fields the most men in my cause, I
offer an indus gold token to both the heavy and light champion who wins
the day in my name. If I suffer defeat I am sure Balynar will have these
on his person somewhere if you do not conscience the fleas. I offer a
bag of 150 Bronze Roman coins to be divided among the winning army as
their leaders describe. I offer ale for the field and will open my
personal wine stores for the feast. As you may have heard I am setting a
lavish banquet spiced by truly civilized palates. What you will not have
heard yet is that my Harem and house will provide a luncheon of meat and
bread and exotic fruits and cheeses and drinks to aid the armies of the
east. The Norman's and other assorted cases of metal that call
themselves the baron's men offer, bringing your own food and he might
provide water. Also the ladies of my tent will offer soft rugs to lie
upon, and warm oils applied to heavily worked muscles for the warriors
of the dawn. And possible other such hospitalities that are common among
the more learned lands. All these things are Mine and come from my
personal supplies and are indeed real and authentic. Many of you know me
as a dealer in coins, jewelry, and gems. Balynar offers only what he can
beg and wheedle from the King and his brother vagabonds.
	As further service to these lands and to raise the general cultural
level of my home lands in exile, I offer to take such women as may be
surplus in their own houses and train and teach them the arts required
to be of lasting service to true warriors and learned men. Yes ladies if
you are bored and unappreciated in your current station we will need
extra hareem attendants and bearers and attendants on the day of the
most honorable spanking of balynar. in return you will forever be
welcome, honored, protected and provided for in my camp.
	Having received an abundance of messengers and missives as to the
thousands of good men who will ride with me to loot the lands that
balynar values less than ale and a goat. I find I am woefully short of
drummers. Yes it is true. I do not employ or keep a drummer in my own
tent, and I am shamed in the eyes of all cultured persons. As Such I
must ask the artisans of all land to attend me if you will as my call is
indeed righteous and just. For what man can fight at his best or even
display his battle feats without hearing the rhythm of the hearts of the
gods in the drums of war.
	Remember All; that this entire conflict was aborned by the lying tongue
of Balynar as he promises you riches. I would wish a thousand fleas to
infest his cod piece except that they would starve for want of meat. I
would call him mad, or simple but I will not insult the mad and simple.
I would call him cur son but dogs are more noble and useful. I would
wish that his son's be born as daughters but that would entail his
procreating. I would advise him to hide under a rock to avoid dancing
for my guest at the point of my sword, but then the property values
would be lessened for serpents everywhere.

The Kind and honorable AshaHito

PS: applicants for hareem positions, servers, drummers and warriors may
contact me as you will

nix at iolinc.net
804 320-0370