[MR] Poor mistreated and confused soul needs aid

[Malone, N.]

Unto The Civilized Peoples of the Known World:

The Humble and every trusting AshaHito does send greetings and good tidings:

	I find my poor self greatly confused and distraught. I am in need of certain assistance and advice of wiser heads than mine. In all my days wandering these western and barbaric lands as a merchant, sage. Priest, and warrior; never have I been so confounded. And Herein lies the tale:
	Some time ago a great cry went up among the peoples of Caer Mear. It seems they were in need of guidance and leadership. During said debates and discussions, I took it upon myself to offer my services as leader , called boron locally. I felt that if the peoples of Caer Mear could be taken under the wing of the Mongol empire they might someday achieve a higher degree of civilization. I wished them to be elevated to better lives as the empire has done previously for Chen, India, Russia, Poland, Hungary, Bulgaria and the Arab lands. All in their own best interests of course. It Seems that some peoples completely misunderstood the concepts of tribute (duly needed taxes), hostages (foster care), and enslavement (women and lesser peoples proper and more happy roles in life, as fate did ordain).  I did have to make the customary threats about raping, pillaging and Burning (I especially like the burning ones) that usually accompany a Mongol offer to administer a territory until it becomes suitably civilized.  But Lo and Behold, a local Viking , one Balynar, did assure me that they appreciated my magnanimous offer and that, while for Public relations purposes, I could not be named boron, I would be appropriately rewarded and the situation would be peacefully resolve. Woe unto me; for I did take him as a man of his word!
	A great ceremony was held with much feasting and celebration, I thought to cheer the end of the search for a new boron. The King was there and the officials at court did surrender the Standard and arms of Caer Mear unto my person, as is right and proper given their great fear of the empire. Said Balynar was made boron in title. But also he was; dragged away by armed men into isolation. People took turns accosting him in his solitude to berate him. They did publicly throw tubs of wash water on him to degrade him. And final before the evenings feasting they hauled him before the King who did soundly smite him about the head and shoulders. Where upon they tied a surrender flag about his loins and paraded him before all the assembled peoples, many of which took turns beating across the back.  Given this great show of submission by the new boron and his king, I patiently awaited the arrival of my due tribute.
	Imagine my great surprise and sadness when I did intercept a message calling for men at arms to help defend against, of all things, the educational and administrative assistance of  the Mongol Empire. Have these Normans and their lackeys no Honor. They make strange rules about horsemanship clubs, but obviously have no born sense of manhood or honorable conduct, as true civilized men must.
	Therefore I must demand right and true tribute from this new boron Balynar. (the Vikings in Rus lands are very noble, What happened to this one?)  I would have delivered unto me personally; no less than two (2) women, not too old or too young say 13-15, not ugly, warranted against being barren, and they need not be virginal, as this might be too difficult a task. Far be it from me to set hereclesian tasks. I also demand a goodly quantity of ale or mead, and certain portion of the Wealth of Caer Mear, namely a goat, in as good a condition as the women.
	I call on all Civilized Peoples be they Chin, Semite, erdu, indu, rus, hun, magyar , bulgar, tartar or pure Mongol to join with me on May 12th  (Mongols Revenge) to extract our tribute, publicly spank and chastise this new boron, and summarily Rape, Pillage and Burn the lands of Caer Mear for the offenses they have done to the Khan and Mongols everywhere. Khans and Mercenaries contact me directly as we can indeed compensate you properly. Please pass this woeful tale on to all corners of the Known world.

The reasonable and somewhat humble

AshaHito

Nix at iolinc.net